Let’s Talk About Sex
It's exciting, it's fun, it's a natural function of the body, it's complicated, it's intimate, it can hurt, it can create distance, it can bring people closer... It's sex.
We are so excited here at CCH to be bringing on a sex therapist to our practice! Lauren Drean is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who is working toward her Sex Therapy Certification through AASECT. And she is here sharing one of her top tips for improving your sex life.
Know your type of desire!
In her best-selling book, Come As You Are, Emily Nagoski describes the two types of sexual desire: spontaneous and responsive. The first desire type is one we are all familiar with, we see it in every movie and billboard and commercial: spontaneous desire. This is the passionate, "I want you so bad right now", stereotypically male/masculine desire. This is characterized by having a (possibly random) idea or seeing something that leads to sexual arousal.
Now, you may be asking yourself... okay, that sounds like a healthy libido and desire. But what if you don't experience your sexuality this way? I'm sure you've talked with someone or been in relationship with someone or are someone who doesn't get turned on easily. Who doesn't have random thoughts of sexual encounters and can't wait to find someone to hook up with or to get home to your partner. If the description above does not describe you, you may be someone who experiences a more responsive sexual desire.
Responsive desire is stereotypically more female or feminine and is triggered by more explicit sexual contact or stimulus. Maybe some touching or kissing or erotic material needs to be involved before someone's desire and arousal are triggered. It's more of a "you could convince me..." type of interest in sex. And it is just as valid and sexy and pleasurable as what we see portrayed in Hollywood.
We find that many people feel broken or confused if they (or their partner) does not experience spontaneous sexual desire. Especially if a masculine-presenting partner has a more responsive desire. It often can lead to shame and hurt and difficulty communicating about intimacy. BUT there is no reason to be ashamed! The sexiest thing you can do for yourself or for an intimate partner is to accept yourself, communicate about what turns you on, and be intentional about sex. Sex is all about feeling pleasure, and there is no one way to make that happen.
