Love languages and how to verbalize your wants with your partner
By: Lauren Drean, LMFT
One of the hardest-to-navigate aspects of relationships is how to communicate preferences with our partners! There's always the inner debate, "I don't want this to come off as a criticism." "What if they think this is strange and I feel rejected?" "How do I express how much I want to do ___ without being demanding?" The list can go on and on.
What I think we as humans underestimate about partnership is that much of what we are doing is teaching ourselves and partner(s) how to love and care for us. As each of us learn more about ourselves, we long to share those things with the people that matter most.
I want to share some tips to consider as you consider how to tell your partner what you need/like/want/are curious about:
1. Have a pretty good understanding of what it is you actually want:
I'm not just talking about the behavior you're looking for, what I mean here is a little bit deeper. What are you longing for? Closeness? Excitement? Fun? Empathy? Understanding this about yourself can be difficult and take some time. Sometimes you aren't sure and need your partner to help you figure this out. Going a little deeper and then expressing the underlying motivation can really help a partner understand why this is important to you.
2. Use "I" statements:
The more you can own your experience and desire, the less likely a partner is to get defensive. (This is NOT a guarantee, but it absolutely helps) John Gottman talks about this being a difference between a harsh and soft startup. Often we frame wants in terms of "I want you to _____" or "could you please____?" This can get overwhelming for a partner, depending on the ask and tone and a million other reasons. If you can recognize what you've been feeling, this goes a long way. "I have been thinking about how fun it would be to try _____ together." "I've been missing ______ and I was hoping for some more _____." "When we ______ I have noticed that I feel really _____."
3. Where possible, express excitement in this new possibility:
This one is simple, but very difficult if there are maybe some negative feelings associated with what has been happening. Taking time to consider positive and connecting ways to invite your partner to participate with you in a new way can make a world of difference. "I've been thinking about how great it would be if we tried _____." "You know what would be really sexy? If we_____." "I love just doing things with you, let's _____ together."
Want to learn more?
Check out this book & podcast: https://sextalksbook.com/
Or schedule a couples session to explore ways to improve your communication today!
